eating one kiwi every day until something happens

first thing first. i eat the kiwi like a peach. or a large strawberry. in my earlier years i did like my mom, and cut it in half, putting one half in an egg cup and ate it with a spoon. too much work. i am eating one a day.

order of operations. peel off the little sticker. roll it between your fingers so it doesn’t stick to the inside of your bin bag, but falls down onto the rest of the plastic waste. it’s nothing wrong with making it be a sticker on the inside of the bag, but it feels more like it is thrown when it is balled up.

wash it and shake it over the wash for a couple of seconds, then dry it with a kitchen towel. depending on how gross the kitchen towel is, perhaps change it if it reeks of your roommates stir fry.

i pluck off the dark brown hairs on top. the long husky stuff. it ruins the texture for me if it is still intact. the hard stem part at the bottom i like to hang on to. it becomes the end point for your consumption.

some people, like my mom, and probably you, are probably asking yourself, isn’t the fuzzy exterior of a kiwi really gross to put in your mouth? i don’t think so. i feel slightly hardcore, but also slightly self-conscious about it. the self-consciousness comes from me thinking you judge me for eating it with the rind still on, and that you think i am only doing this to be special and unique.

i think it takes some sort of willingness to be “unique” to try to eat it with the rind on. people probably have never tried it because they are so set in their way of eating it the traditional way. my mother will never eat kiwi like me.

this year i learnt that you can buy yellow kiwis. i have only ever eaten the green ones. they look exactly the same on the outside. after years of thinking about kiwi as the ultimate exotic fruit, the yellow one becomes even more exotic, just because it is new to me. also, after eating it every day, i don’t really find kiwis to be that exotic anymore.

the kiwi fuzz scrapes slightly against the tongue and the roof of the mouth. i can only eat one. i have tried eating two, but it really makes my mouth go all numb. not entirely unpleasant, but not something i seek out either.

i have been eating one kiwi every day for a week now and i have yet to experience something. it’s not like there has to happen something. but something will happen sooner or later, and until then, i will eat a kiwi every day.

one day i got curious about what it would look like if i shaved a kiwi. several humorists on the internet have beaten me to it. the results were not as spectacular as you’d think.

i saw a picture on reddit about someone having slices of kiwi on their pizza. as you might expect 50% of the comments are “ewww gross” or “yes officer, that picture” but some people are saying “i mean, i like pineapple on pizza, so i might try this lol”. one of my roommates told me she thought kiwis on pizza would be gross. “they are too sweet” she said. i have never thought about kiwis being sweet before. i guess they are, but i have always just thought about kiwis being kiwi flavoured. and it has more of an acidic kick to it than a sweet one, i think.

i don’t think i am going to try it on pizza. i like it as a dessert. i wonder how long it will be until i dread the daily kiwi. right now, a week in, i am looking forward to treating myself to it. only by making dumb routines like this can i feel i have done something of importance that day.

i am going to eat a kiwi every day until something happens.

~christian (peanut)